Whatever shit happens—don’t cling to it.

A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand—why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “Hari Om!

“We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?” Replied the young woman: “Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.”, YOU WANT WHAT? b. Chardonnay And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that.

They pay to throw it away. The Blues is simple. An old man walks into a confessional. Is that OK? Let shit happen to someone else. These women have been through a variety of tragedies and have seen evil face-to-face.

(Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936) They were used to sharing everything.

3. He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. How do you expect to live very long doing such things?”, OLD AGE The Tao does not take sides. Maybe she would like to come live with me... and dress up as a bunny. SCIENTOLOGY:*

Expect to be appreciated. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the TV, placing one hand on top of it and the other hand on his groin. Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party

Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men. It wouldn’t work anyway. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. “How in the world did she know we’re priests?” they asked each other. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. / As I am now, you soon will be.

After all, this is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” said St. Peter. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me! They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. How long have you had arthritis?”. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up a congregation during a sermon: “And in conclusion...”, Enlightened-Spirituality.org I think I’m going to have a wife.”, BECOMING A MINISTER Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. * Drink tea and nourish life. ", Once Satan and his demon sidekick were walking down the street, closely watching a man 20 yards ahead who was on the verge of realizing the Supreme Truth. --Unknown, It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. "Well, then, where are you?" Barbara Walters: ", TRANSFORMATION Demand agreement with your own views on everything. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! But the fly was still buzzing around. (God Willing), CONFUCIANISM: Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day Long, 7. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. I’m hearing them scream right now!

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. --Charles Caleb Colton, English cleric-writer (1780-1832), I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows. God answered, “A million years is like a minute.” “You may think you are something, but that something is nothing. A friend of his, riding in the same subway car, noticed this bizarre phenomenon.

In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.

You can’t hit a two-iron 250 yards.” And Jesus replied, “I once saw Jack Nicklaus do it, and if he could do it, I can do it.” And with that, he hits a tremendous shot toward the green. Hours go by and nobody sees him. “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed.

Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Yes we do.” Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?” “Definitely.” Jacob: “How about Viagra?” Pharmacist: “Of course.” Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems and arthritis?” “Sure!” Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and Geritol?” “Quite a large variety.” Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?” Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”, Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”. They said 'Let us pray,' and we dutifully shut our eyes. CLAIM YOUR HEALING Having never married, she had requested no male pallbearers.

And it often causes pain and suffering. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me, 4. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. POWERFUL WORDS The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. True story Once I was invited to preach for a Christmas Service in a rural Church.

The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the monstrous wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. As she got to where one little girl was working diligently, the teacher asked what the drawing was. How do you make God laugh? Old Man: What sins?

You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait. My brain was electrified with an influx of new ideas. Smoke it up!

We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times. “We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl: “But mom, what's God going to do with a dead dog?”, A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Moses then plays his third shot beautifully, the ball drawing to within a foot of the hole. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." An old man walks into a confessional. Music will follow. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I

The pastor says, "Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." St. Catherine: “Dumb and Dumber,” Lord. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

The demon grew worried, and began to nudge Satan, but Satan looked quite calm. I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. Jacob suggests they go in, and he then addresses the pharmacist behind the counter: “We’re about to get married. Filled with humble devotion, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point bend their ears to listen and, after a few moments, come to realize what the lowly janitor is saying. I realized with a start that I was one ingredient away from creating the nutritious breakfast. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”. --submitted by Charles Johnston You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger? A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. She explained to her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. Is it a cash crop? That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! ", God and Adam were walking through the Garden of Eden, discussing various things. My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him, 11. [This student received the only “A” grade.]. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. THE FINAL TRUTH:* NATIVE AMERICAN:* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. It’s a really stupid movie about... God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Regardless of who wins the pray-offs, everyone will benefit. So does "fixin' to die." The man’s tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. --G.K. Chesterton, In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

The car accidentally hit

This piece then went around the Internet, re-addressed to President George W. Bush. There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on an exotic vacation and their little plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. After a brief moment, Adam hesitatingly commented, "But Lord, you made Eve not too smart." Butch Hancock remembers: "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. --Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1553-1592), The man who doesn’t know what the universe is doesn’t know where he lives. wife is poisoning me." Think about yourself. But the fly was still buzzing around. Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? That’s what. Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... Ralph Nader: You’re not a monk.”.

20. "Ah, yes," said God, "that is so she would love you very, very deeply.". Mencken), Voltaire: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. a. cheap wine I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight, 15. October 4: Still working on the omelet. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and, by golly, that was good enough for us.